In the past few years, social media technology – cell phones with texting, e-mail, My Space, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and others – have made parent-teen communication even more challenging.

Teens texting nearly 24/7 is common, and in some cases, “out of control,” says Fran Swift, a parent educator.

One vital key to raising your children well through their tweens and teens years is to keep communication lines open. But, when your child begins to focus more on texting their friends than talking with family, tuning in to your teen takes extra, often Herculean effort.

Following are some family-friendly ways to communicate with your teen in our digital age:

Setting limits
Parents need to set limits on texting and using other social media, early on before the teen becomes unmanageable with their habits, Swift says.

Social networking brings some benefits to today’s teens, such as their connections to friends and social awareness. Texting gives teens a quick and easy way to stay “in the loop” about their peer group.

Yet teens need parents to set boundaries and role model behavior in this area, Swift says. Limits can include no phones after a certain time in the evening (so teens can’t text all night) and no phones during family functions (so teens actually speak with others around them in person.)

Sharing family dinners
Even with busy schedules, family dinners provide some of the best times to engage in friendly dialogue, says Cindy Ericksen, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Family dinners help to maintain a sense of support, love and cohesion in a family,” she says.

Teen years can be scary for the child and parents. Eating together – without technology present - can help build stronger bonds and provide opportunities for communication, Ericksen says.

 “Reserving dinner as a time that even a parent doesn’t talk or text on the phone is as important as not using the cell phone while driving kids in the car, shopping with them or other activities,” Swift says. “We need to model appropriate behaviors and attentive listening opportunities if we want conversation to happen with our teens.”

Talk about light current events, rather than about heavy homework assignments. Take news of the day or hobbies as a springboard for discussion.
 “Have a conversation, not an interrogation, at the dinner table,” Swift says.

Knowing when to talk
Talking to your teen at the right time can do wonders for communicating with her, Swift says. Studies show that teens are most alert at night. Your teen usually will be most talkative and open with you in the evening.

Avoid discussions with your teen in the early mornings, when she already has a million thoughts running through her head, from what to wear to a math test.

Another time to avoid talking too much with your teen is immediately after she comes home from school or a social event.

“Don’t appear to be too eager, because teens don’t like that,” Swift says. “Don’t push them by asking them too many questions. Give it some time to let the conversation unfold.”

Engaging in “action talk”
To successfully parent your teen, try “action talk” - simultaneously doing an activity with your teen and having a conversation.

While driving her in the car, doing dishes, cleaning closets, or doing yard work together, you can talk with your teen where she doesn’t feel so “hemmed in,” Swift says.

The point is to engage in a project while conversing, rather than announcing that “we’re going to have a talk,” Swift says. “That is never a good idea. Parents of teens need to take a more subtle approach.”

Watching movies or shows together can open up interesting topics for discussions that are less personal but still relevant, Swift says. If your teen is watching a television show that you disagree about, be willing to watch it with her. Ask her what she enjoys about the program.

Do the same with music. Listen to some songs by various groups that your teen likes. Ask her what she loves about the music on her iPod.

Showing empathy and listening
Showing empathy to your teen helps to quell their negative emotions. If he’s slamming books down on the table after school, offer an empathetic response, such as “It looks like you’ve had a hard day.”

If you yell at him, his frustration will rise, and you may likely end up in a fight. “Just listening to him calms him down, rather than fueling their fire,” Swift says.

Listening is an important component of keeping communication lines open, Ericksen says. When your teen asks your permission, don’t jump to “no” too soon. Even though you may not approve of their plans, allow your teen to share his ideas with you.

 “Just because you’re listening to your teen does not mean that you’re agreeing with him. It will be easier for him to hear ‘no’ for an answer, if he knows you have heard him out before you made your decision,” Ericksen says. “Arguments often start because a child feels they’re not being listened to.”

After listening to a request, a parent doesn’t need to give an answer right away, Ericksen says. Tell your teen you need a day or two to think about it, and you will discuss the situation at that time.

“Parents often forget that they’re the boss. They can walk away from arguments and postpone making decisions until they are ready,” Ericksen says.

Once you have made a decision, stick with it, Ericksen says. Be kind but firm about declining your teen’s request, and acknowledge his disappointment.

Staying positive, having fun
Use technology to your advantage to bond with your teen. If you see that he responded kindly to his sister, recognize that good behavior with a friendly text message or e-mail, Swift says.

“Texting or e-mailing him a note might be more meaningful and resonate more at that age than direct conversation,” Swift says.

During the teen years, parents often forget to have fun with their child, Ericksen says.
Enjoy these special years and make an effort to experience fun together. Discover your son’s or daughter’s interests and spend time with them sharing activities. 

Set aside a day or even a half day for family time. No texting allowed during this period. “Making a connection with your teen is what you’re looking for,” Swift says.

Kim Seidel is an award-winning writer and editor, and the mother of two daughters, ages 12 and 8. www.seidelink.com.