Wasn’t it just yesterday that your child was eager to please you, proudly displaying the bed she made all by herself? Now, as a teen, she’s more interested in her friends’ approval than yours, and her bedroom, despite your continual requests to clean it, is covered with dirty laundry and art projects.

While the scenario is normal, it’s challenging to discipline teenagers with their raging hormones and nagging negative behaviors, says Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Parents often react in ways that hurt their relationship with their teen.

“Part of the normal development process for teens is to separate from us, but that invokes fear in most parents and they respond by ‘clamping down,’” says McCready, a certified Positive Discipline Educator and mother of two sons, ages 12 and 14. “Instead of respecting the child’s need for greater autonomy, parents attempt to exert more control, which escalates power struggles.”

The peer group takes precedence over the family in the teen years. “This is perfectly normal, but parents often feel hurt by this and take it personally,” McCready says. In addition, teens often feel that parents are against them, instead of on their team, which again invites power struggles, she says.

Following are some ways to discipline teens using positive strategies:

Set limits. “It’s a teenagers’ job to push that fence as far as they think they can go,” says Cindy Ericksen, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It’s your job as a parent to push the fence back for them and to set limits.”
It’s not an easy road to find a healthy balance of giving and taking, says Ericksen, who raised three teenagers. “You can’t be your teenager’s friend, but you can remain in a ‘good relationship’ with her,” she says.

Be clear about rules. Practice “fair and firm” discipline, McCready says. “Clearly communicate your rules and limits,” she says. “When establishing new rules, get input from your teen when appropriate. Be very clear about the rules and ask your teen to repeat back the rule and the consequence if she decides to test the limits.”
Being clear about the rules ensures that both you and your teen are on the same page, and there’s no ambiguity, McCready says. “Be sure to state that you won’t be issuing reminders or second chances,” she says. “Your teen will be in charge of determining whether or not she gets to maintain her privileges.”

Put it in writing. Write out the rules and consequences, as well as expectations for chores, and post where the teen can easily see them, Ericksen suggests. “It becomes less personal and makes it very clear,” she says. “Teens don’t like being told what to do, so if you put it in writing, it’s fitting for them.”

Focus on the lesson. Teens are reluctant to disclose the truth with parents because they know it may be met with criticism, lectures, disappointment or “I-told-you-so’s,” McCready says. “Instead, recognize that your teen will make foolish mistakes and will test the limits, but use those opportunities as learning events,” she says.
Hold your teen accountable for her behavior, but focus more on what she learned and how she’ll do things differently in the future, McCready says.

“If your teen knows that you are on his side and care about keeping him safe and helping him learn for the future, he’ll be less likely to sneak around and test the limits,” McCready says.

Don’t lecture. If your teen makes the wrong choice, implement the agreed upon consequence with dignity and respect, McCready says. Again, refrain from “lectures” and “I-told-you-so’s,” which increase a teen’s hostility, she says.
“After everyone is calm, be sure to debrief with her about what she learned and how she’ll do things differently next time,” McCready says.

Relate consequence to misbehavior. The consequence of breaking a rule should be appropriate, Ericksen says, and directly relate to the rule that was broken.
For example, if your daughter arrives home late, let her know how many minutes past her curfew she returned. Make her come home that much earlier the next time she’s out. This gives her more motivation to comply with your rules, Ericksen says.

Demand respect. Another tactic Ericksen found effective with her teens was “paying her back” for the minutes they were late. When her children were late, she spent that time waiting feeling extremely worried. As a payment for “lost time,” she took her son grocery shopping to help her, and made her daughter clean out a closet.
“They learned to be respectful of me,” Ericksen says. “They could have called me if they knew they were going to be late. Our job as parents is to teach our kids about respect and obeying rules. If a punishment is too harsh, and does not directly relate to the broken rule, it’s distracting from what you’re trying to teach them.”

Joining your teen’s team
Most teens feel that their parents are against them – not with them, McCready says. When teens feel that parents are on their team, they are more likely to communicate honestly and openly and may actually want to spend time with the family.
“Show that you’re on their team by getting into their world,” McCready says. “Spend one-on-one time with them – on a daily basis – doing what they like to do. Parents often perceive that teens don’t want to spend time with parents, but they do.”

Get into their world. Taking 10 minutes once or twice a day to talk, hang out, download music – or whatever your teen enjoys – increases your emotional connection and works wonders in keeping lines of communication open.
Give them responsibility. At the same time, recognize your teen’s growing need for positive power and autonomy. “Instead of ‘clamping down,’ look for opportunities to give your teen more responsibility and decision-making opportunities,” McCready says. “Involve your teen in family decisions when it’s appropriate.”

Say, ‘I Love You.’ While he may shrug his shoulders, don’t stop hugging or saying, “I love you” to your teen, Ericksen says. “React to your teen out of love, not fear,” she says. “Think about the relationship you want to have with him when he’s 25. Ask yourself how you are going to get there.”

For more information, check out free parenting resources available at www.PositiveParentingSolutions.com. Kim Seidel is an award-winning writer and editor, and the mother of two daughters, ages 12 and 8.