Having recently suffered some personal losses in my own life, I am brought to the issue of grief. Grief is often associated only with death and the resulting feelings and reactions to that loss. But true grief also follows losses such as divorce, adoption, relocation, abuse, and abandonment.

Almost all of the teens who come to Project PATCH's Youth Ranch are experiencing some form of grief. There are those who have lost a parent to death. There are others whose parents left them for drugs and/or prison. Some of the teens still have their parent(s) in their life, but only in the physical sense. Adults often get lost in fun, work, religion, or in other relationships, and are therefore not emotionally available to their child.

In some ways, death can almost be easier for the survivors to deal with. A child is supposed to grieve the death of a parent. They are given permission to feel, to hurt, and to talk.  Children whose parents divorced or whose parent(s) simply left them with someone else are not always given that same grace and understanding.  The pain and hurt are still there; but without the invitations to talk and be released, the child can be left confused and guilty for feeling a true loss.

I could tell the stories of many children, but for now I am thinking of a young woman at PATCH who has two affluent, outwardly wonderful parents. They are beautiful people who are professional and respected members of their community. However, no one knows that behind closed doors this young lady's father angrily berates her for not doing well enough in school and for not being more athletic, even telling his daughter that she was a mistake and an unplanned pregnancy. As a result, this young lady is experiencing dramatic rejection. For any child, this equals loss and grief.

To have a parent die is one thing, but to have a parent deliberately reject a child-choose not to be a needed, nurturing parent-can leave scars just as deep.  Outsiders who don't know the situation often wonder, "What's wrong with her? She has everything."

So many teens simply need permission to talk and to feel their hurt. If this need is not met by a responsible, caring adult, teens often turn to harmful peer groups. The pain gets too deep and the teen looks for support elsewhere.  Everyone needs somebody to turn to. 

My challenge to all the readers of this article, whether you are a grandparent, teacher, or just a concerned friend, is to reach out and listen to a teenager. You don't even have to look for one who is obviously struggling. Establish a relationship now with a teenager who might be doing just fine. Then you can be there if and when life becomes challenging. Our children are the future, and we can all be a part of that future.

Colleen McDonald is the Treatment Coordinator with Project PATCH in Idaho, www.projectpatch.org.