My youngest son, Wyatt, is three years old, and I often hear myself saying, "Use your words" when he tries to communicate by pointing, grunting, or whining. I don't want him to get into the habit of expecting me to interpret for him. Instead, I want him to learn to communicate by using words, so I can truly understand what he is trying to say. And it's working, by the way. Wyatt now expects me to ask him to use words when he gets lazy with his communication, and so he almost over-compensates-and boy, does he ever use his words at times.

As adults, I can't say we always use our words as well as Wyatt does. Sometimes I think we are afraid of using words for fear we will say the wrong thing and face rejection, laughter, or complacency. As a result, we talk to our spouses in adult-equivalent "point, grunt, and whine."

Not wanting to diversify my field of therapy into marriage counseling, let me focus on the issue of talking with teenagers. Teenagers can be scary. Many have developed effective defense mechanisms that keep us away. They get angry, they cry, and sometimes they just act like they don't even care, hoping that we will give up and walk away from the conversation.  This is where I encourage you as parents especially to use your words. When we, as adults, are upfront with our boundaries for our teenagers and the stories of our dreams and struggles, the line of discussion is open and more productive.

I'm not necessarily talking about issues of discipline, because it is not a parent's job to talk a child into agreeing with how they deserved a certain consequence. That's not productive if a teen is not receptive to listening. I am addressing how parents need to talk in almost adult-to-adult language about issues of drug use and your expectations in the matter-hopefully before your child has been offered drugs. Also, openly addressing topics of puberty or of a sexual nature with upfront dialogue gives the child permission to seek out the parent in the future with questions, rather than talking with a misinformed friend at school.

Teenagers really aren't that scary when you remember what you wanted when you were that age. They don't want us to be harsh with them, but they also don't want us to sugarcoat the issues. Opening up a conversation with words such as, "I sometimes got bad grades in school but acted like it didn't matter even when it did," can let a child know that you do understand and  you have a hunch that they have more going on than they are letting on.

"Use your words" doesn't mean you should go into lecture format. That won't get you anywhere with a teenager. Instead, be ready with brief invitations, starting with giving your child permission to feel what he is feeling and moving into giving important pre-selected information. Then go on to asking some non-accusatory questions. If the matter is not of vital, right-now importance and your teen shows indications that he doesn't want to talk anymore, come at it again another day. Look for opportunities with your teens and use your words when the appropriate times come.

Colleen McDonald is the Treatment Coordinator with Project PATCH in Idaho.