Have you ever tried to get your teen to do something (chore, phone call, etc.) and are met with outright resistance or passive compliance leading to non-action?  Passive compliance occurs when a teen says they will do something to get you off their back, but they have no intention of actually doing it,  or doing it in the time frame you want or in the way you want.  Why are teens often so resistant to what seem to us to be reasonable requests?  One answer is that our needs and agenda (how we want life to be, in order to manage our own anxiety, stress, happiness, and peace) are often quite different from their needs or agenda at that moment.  Should they just jump ship from what they were thinking about, feeling, or doing in order to get on board with our agenda?  That would be nice and is actually often what we want, however, it usually does not work out that way. 

I am not so interested in talking about what a parent or teen should or should not do in any particular situation.  "Shoulds" breed power struggles. What is more pertinent is the result we want and what kind of connection with our teen we want.  Sometimes we have to let go of our "shoulds" in order to get certain results and build a mutually satisfying connection with our teen.

If your teen is occasionally resistant or passively compliant, this is most likely not your greatest frustration in life.  However, when this type of interaction is standard protocol, frustration, irritation, anger, and disappointment are a few emotions that can crop up surprisingly quickly for most parents.  Once you feel these emotions, you unconsciously get ready to respond in a way (make demands, express anger, annoyance, or frustration) that will decrease the chance of your teen completing the task in the way you want. This will also decrease feeling connected with your teen.

Part of the challenge for parents of teens is to learn to respect the teen as a human being who has wants, needs, feelings, and thoughts of their own.  If we think of teens (because they are our children) as people to be told what to do and when to do it, then we are on our way to endless power struggles, resistance, and passive compliance.  Do we have certain behavioral expectations for our teens and a need for them to contribute to the family functioning?  Most of us would say yes.  So how do we balance respecting our teens and also maintaining certain expectations of behavior and contribution to the family?

When it comes to avoiding resistance and passive compliance, making agreements becomes crucial.  Some of us might say, "Well, my teen never keeps their agreements!"  This may be true, but the way we construct the agreement will affect the results we get.  When we make agreements with teens, there are a few criteria that are important 

1. We must demonstrate an attitude of respect for our teen as a human being who has their own thoughts, feelings, and desires.
2. We must show a willingness to consider seriously what our teen says to us when we are making the agreement, i.e., a willingness to change the particulars of what we want in response to feedback we get from our teen.
3. We must show a willingness to be held accountable if we do not keep our part of the agreement.
 

There are some things that are negotiable in our relationship with our teen, and others that have very little space for negotiation (curfew and safety issues-drug use, riding in cars with friends who have been drinking, etc.).  Let's say that you want to make an agreement with your teen about a chore you want done or about when they are going to be home from a friend's house or an event.  With a respectful attitude, go to your teen and let them know you would like to talk to them.  Ask them whether now would be a good time or would another time be better.  Let them know what you want to discuss and that you don't want to try to make them do anything, but that you want to agree on a plan that will meet both of your needs.  If it's a chore, describe the particulars and ask them when they think they'd be able to get it done.  Agree on a day and specific time.  You may be surprised if the chore gets done and there is no power struggle or fight.  If the chore does not get done, then you merely go to them and say something like, "our agreement."  Or you could point at your watch.  Or if they want to do something that requires your permission or help, you could say, "As soon as you are willing to keep our agreement, I will be willing to take you to do X."  If your teen continues to break your agreement, say something like this: "I'm uncomfortable with the way some of our agreements have gone in the past.  I'm wondering what you think should happen if one of us chooses not to keep our agreement?"  (This kind of "should" does not generally breed power struggles because the teen is a part of deciding the consequence.)  It is important to say "...if one of us..." because the teen needs to know that they are not the only one who is on the hook.  If part of the agreement is that we won't do any reminding before the deadline, and then we end up doing so, we need to have consequences too.  So we can come up with our own consequences or our teen can come up with consequences for us, and then we need to agree; the same goes for the teen.  We elicit their ideas, and if they're acceptable to us, we make the agreement.  If not, then we make suggestions until we come up with something we both agree to.

Good luck, parents!  Give this a try and see what happens.  If you don't like what is happening now, perhaps it is time to try something new.

Nate Hamlin is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, has his master's degree in Marital, Couple, and Family Counseling has spent over 5,000 non-clinical hours working with kids of all ages, and has a private counseling practice in Boise. Hamlin can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or at (208) 908-4410.  He also does a free parenting Q & A at Rembrandt's Coffee House in Eagle, every non-holiday Monday morning from 9-11am.