When raising teenagers, parents are put into the unusual predicament of enforcing discipline while fostering independence.  As a parent, it is your job to continue setting limits that teach discipline and ensure an element of safety.  Likewise, it is your teenager's "job" to start stretching his wings, testing the boundaries, and making more decisions for himself.  It's no wonder that conflict arises between these two opposing roles.

Probably the most important step in setting boundaries for your teenager is to start before he hits the teen years.  This seems obvious, as none of us would allow our toddler or young child to go without rules, right?  I wish it were so easy.  Most of us have witnessed a toddler in a store being told no and then crying until that answer changes to yes.  This situation can set a pattern for life.

Recently a young lady in the PATCH program expressed confusion about the role she has in her family.  "I don't know how to be the daughter and let my mom be the parent," she lamented, after returning from a visit home in which much conflict arose. 

This young lady wasn't making up an excuse; taking the child role was a foreign concept to her.  In the parent's effort to build their child's self-esteem and help their child feel important, they sometimes do damage to the child's sense of security.  There is security in boundaries and limits.  Even though children at very young ages try to go against their parents' rules, they feel safe with the predictability of knowing that there are limits to their behaviors. 

The child in the store who cries until he gets a toy is a good example.  "No" means "no" is a lesson best learned young.  The good news is that if a child wasn't raised with good limits or respect for rules, it's not too late for that child to learn.

One of the most common requests I hear from teenagers getting ready to go home after a year at PATCH is the desire for enforced rules at home.  Many complain about the chaos that previously existed at home without rules. Even the most rebellious teenagers want mom and dad to say "no" at times and mean it.  This doesn't mean that when you say "no" to your teen he will thank you for it.  Actually, he may run to his room and slam the door.  Rather than gratitude, respect is the eventual result you will get.

Saying "no" and meaning "no" are two different things.  One young man at PATCH expressed that his dad had all sorts of rules that he had to follow or the young man would be grounded.  The problem was that Dad did not follow through with his consequence.  This teenager came up with lots of good excuses to get out of responsibilities and Dad would allow it.  As a result, the young man lost respect for his dad, and Dad then wondered why his son was not listening to him.  Exceptions in rules happen, but they should be rare exceptions or the rules should be changed if they can't be depended on.

Now let's look at the teenager's point of view.  Teenagers are under a tremendous amount of pressure.  With children still under a parent's thumb, and young adults trying to make their own decisions, an emotional tug of war results.   There are times when a parent needs to allow a teenager to make mistakes.  For example, if your teenager wants to spend his hard-earned lawn mowing money on an impractical remote control car (when he's been saving for months for a real one), he might learn by being allowed to make that mistake.  It's important to remember not to save him from this mistake by giving him any more money than you originally planned on to purchase the real car. 

I wish that I could make a concrete list of reasonable limits for all circumstances that parents will face in raising a teenager.  It's a learning game where consistency is the key.  Children, including teenagers, like and need boundaries, rules, and predictable consequences.  "Say what you mean and mean what you say" is a good rule of thumb for any parent, as long as the rules are fair and allow some room for freedom as a child matures.

Colleen Donald, MA is a Treatment Coordinator for Project PATCH Youth Ranch in Garden Valley, Idaho.